…bearing in mind that I will most likely have plenty more years in which to get things done…
These recent months of pain, moderate but persistent and impossible to ignore, sufficiently distressing to prevent me from making much progress in any endeavor, have cast my life so far in a positive light. I have been almost* everything I ever wanted to be: a writer, a teacher, an artist, a friend.
Better still, I’ve been able to pursue these avocations without needing to achieve notable success. I am satisfied in the doing and in the interactions that my activities bring into my life.
I’ve also always wanted to be a cherished life partner, and I mean “always” almost literally: I had a boyfriend when I was 3. And I take satisfaction in thinking that, even when things didn’t work out, romantic relationships have given me the opportunity to express creativity through storytelling, humor, and the occasional dramatic confrontation. I feel confident that Raymond will attest to this.
There was that one high school boyfriend who wasn’t really interested in anything I had to say, but I still take a certain pride–and even after 42 years a touch of dudgeon–in having been a compassionate listener for him.
Raymond read over the preceding paragraphs and told me that, despite the title, this blog entry sounded like a valedictory. I see his point, but rest assured that I’m not saying goodbye to anyone, just doing a bit of self-soothing during this less-productive-than-usual period of my life. It’s beyond me right now to create finished art works, so I’m just poking away at my sketchbooks, filling in little bits of color with magic markers, gluing down pretty bits from clothing catalogs: anything to raise my own spirits.
*As a child I also wanted to be a professional singer, but my vocal range falls short of an octave, and that wish remains unfulfilled.