My list of anti-harassment messages for men.
- Please do not inform me that parts of my anatomy resemble cupcakes.
- Don’t grab my cupcakes as we pass in the hallway of our middle school.
- In fact don’t grab any part of me, especially not while singing Queen’s “We Will Rock You” with lyrics altered to match the occasion.
- When sitting in a parked car with the windows rolled down, refrain from fondling yourself. Don’t be surprised when I walk by without expressing interest. Don’t shout, “Lezzie!” at my back.
- Don’t step out of the late-night shadows at a deserted bus stop and interview me about my romantic partner’s activities and preferences.
- Do not reach out from your seat next to me on the bus to touch my calf and ankle because you have never seen hair on a woman’s leg before.
- Don’t climb up on my deck and stare in my dining room window. Don’t do it, especially, while also waggling your pallid flag at me.
- Do not approach me on the street to announce that you know where I live and where I work and where I go to school. Do not on a subsequent occasion follow me around, tiptoeing down the next aisle, in the stacks of my university library.
- On the bus open your pack of Necco Wafer with a four-inch blade, nor to offer to cut my m*****f***ing head off for me.
OK, that last one was probably not a case of sexist harassment. I’d like to think we’re talking about an equal-opportunity would-be decapitator here.